I love paranormal romance.  I love Urban Fantasy.  I love speculative fiction.  And I love classic horror.  But I’m noticing a trend starting to emerge that worries me.  I’m calling it now, before it goes too mainstream, and I really, truly hope it doesn’t get that far.

The trend I’m referring to is zombies. 

Zombies are not a new thing – quite the contrary, they’re as much a part of classic horror as vampires or werewolves.  But is it just me, or are they creeping up all over the place? 

 Just to be clear – this is not an anti-zombie rant.  Zombies are cool.  Rather, what I’m talking about specifically is zombies as protagonists in romance.  A bit of this rant applies to other paranormal species, too, so bear with me. 
 
Let’s start with a little bit of background on the tumultuous publishing currents of paranormal romance as I see them: 
 
The 20th century saw a drastic upward trend in the popularity of vampires.  Who started it and when is a topic of much debate (though most would agree that Rice’s Interview with the Vampire, 1976, was pivotal.) and not really important to my point, which is: the undead were mainstream, at least in paranormal romance. 

Until, early in the 21st century, someone finally declared that vampires had been done to death. 
 
“But what about our dark, brooding, immortal alpha anitheroes?  Whatever will we do without them?” paranormal fans cried from the rooftops.  Everyone loves a bad boy.     
 
Enter the werewolf.  Somewhere around 2005, werewolves became the new black.  Everyone was doing them, or wanting to do them, anyway.  I mean, what could be sexier than a harry, drooling, manbeast with bulging muscles and an insatiable . . . um, appetite?  Right?  What indeed.  Besides maybe a cat shifter (ROWR!).
 
The answer: demons, of course.  Forget the fact that more than 50,000 were put to death on accusation of fraternizing with demons during the witch hunts – demons became the new cool and pacts with the devil? Old hat. 

That is not to say vampires or werewolves or shifters (Oh, my!) really lessened in popularity among true fans, but as each new beastie phased in and out of the limelight, the others grew increasingly harder to sell and market.  That is until the YA current joined with the paranormal current to create an international pop culture phenomenon.  (Yes, you knew I had to go there.) 
 
Twilight became a squeeing teeny-bopper force to be reckoned with.  Suddenly, vamps are no longer gauche.  TV hops on the bandwagon, and suddenly friends who’ve always thought me a bit disturbed for reading about vampires in a romantic light are swooning over quasi-vampire, Edward Cullen. 
 
Okay, deep breath here.  I’m not upset that Twilight was successful, or that it raised vampires from the grave yet again.  The resurgence gives me hope that my favorite bloodsuckers are truly an enduring sub-genre of their own and not just a passing fad.  But.  But.  I have one major issue with the mainstreaming of horror icons.
 
Keyword: HORROR.
 

 
Vampires, werewolves, demons, and zombies are supposed to be MONSTERS.  Somewhere in the course of our romanticizing and toying with the traits of these antiheroes to make them fit the tropes already inherent in the romance genre, we lost what was most important, imo: These are creatures of darkness.  They are dead, cursed, damned, and in many cases evil incarnate.  They drink blood, gorge on flesh, and steal souls.  They are supposed to be the bad guys. 
 
Trust me, I know – that is part of the appeal.  They are forbidden fruit.  The rush we experience in their presence is equal parts fear and desire and that just makes it HOT.  Except . . . they just aren’t anymore.  The vamps got de-fanged, the wolves got muzzled, the demon’s went to manner school, and the zombies, well … I’ll get there in a minute.  In summary, vampires should not SPARKLE in sunlight, they should sulk in shadows.  It is what makes them what they are. 
 
If you’re with me, you should definitely read this post by fantasy author Catherynne M. Valente, demanding better vampires.  
 
To paraphrase: 

There is literally no bad in being a vampire except for the blood drinking thing, and being a vegetarian who only drinks cow blood or whatever is pretty much de rigeur for your modern vampire.

So…essentially you just live forever, right? That’s it. You live forever, are super strong, and smoking hot.

I, too, want to see a revival of the traits that make vampires vampires.  No more of this no consequence stuff.  There ARE consequences.  I would also add that the whole blood drinking thing is WAY underplayed.  Even if you only drink cow’s blood, um… ew.  Have you ever drank cow’s blood?  Smelled cow’s blood?  Without gagging? 
 
In New Moon, Bella reassures Edward that she’s not concerned about her immortal soul.  If she were going to be convincing in her argument, she should guzzle a 2-liter of deer blood in front of him.  THAT is showing commitment.  But I digress…
 
Zombies. 
 
See, I told you I would get there. 
 
I can see how the publishing powers that be, always seeking the next FRESH thing, might take a second look at the vampire’s defunct cousin.  But – hold on a minute – there are some major differences to be considered. 

•  Zombies are not fresh.  They are rotting corpses raised from the grave.  There is NOTHING sexy about a corpse (to most mentally healthy people), most especially a rotting one.  Anyone who dares to argue with me on this point has never been in the presence of or dissected one.  I have.  Trust me. NOT sexy.   
• While nibbling and or piercing the neck, breast, or inner thigh carries a sexual connotation, there is nothing remotely erotic about eating brains or tearing and gnawing human flesh down to the bone. 
• Vampires are not only sentient, but usually remarkably intelligent due to their immortality.  And they are likely more experienced in (ahem) other things too, whereas zombies have the intelligence of an unearthed potato.

“Well…” you might be thinking, “You could have a talking zombie.  Even a feeling and thinking zombie.  And maybe it doesn’t eat flesh.  And maybe it doesn’t rot.”
 
In answer to that, I say if you take away the rotting and the shuffling and the mindless pursuit of human brains? 
 
It’s NOT a zombie. 
 
Just like a daywalking, non-blood drinking immortal is just a pretty boy with fangs. 
 
So, for anyone out there reading this and considering writing a zombie romance, I beg you, please, stop right there. 
 
Ask yourself: could you fall in love with this?                 
 

And for all those authors out there writing shadow-lurking, bloodsucking vampires; werewolves ruled by their animalistic instincts; and demons who can’t be trusted – thank you.  Regardless of where the tide takes us, I’ll keep reading.